Sometimes I want to do evil just to know I can

It's been a bit huh?

I've been sick with bronchi-flu-coldess. sexy. My mucus looked liked the stuff you find under super super old oysters, also sexy. But cette jour (today!) I feel un peu better. This weekend when I was going through my stages of feeling amazing and feeling downright crummy, I went to the mall with my long lost sister and hurried around for an hour before she had to leave, trying on clothes, shoes what have you. I found the most amazing and most ugly shoes ever... and yet they are just perfect. see image...

Yesterday was horrible. Tres tres horrible. Yesterday was the pinnacle of my illness, my mom took me to a dealership to look at a car she new I couldn't afford, then to another, and all between these trips to nowhere discussing how "actually maybe you can't afford these" MOTHER! when I got home I was crying and coughing up yellowy semen looking things, and crying and wanting to barf and crying and having snot with said yellow color all over my pale grey face. SEXY. I asked her, if you and abba (= dad in hebrew) were going to buy a car, how much could you afford? she says "much more than you", DURRRRRR. so fucking help me out then, don't just put 4,500 down and then say how I can't really afford a 10k car, give me some more money for a better car since everyone that I've wanted so far wasn't good enough. It's BULLSHIT, meanwhile it's now tuesday, my new job starts in a week and I have no car and no leads. FUCK.

Also yesterday I found out that I wasn't, which leads me to strongly believe I never will be and that in the back of my brain I wished I was so I could finally know I was a woman. Or that I would be able to share something with the man I loved. FAIL.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

This is the third blog I've written, it's weird how I transition all the time. I start work in two hours and so far I've organized my closet but my room is still a mess, I keep looking at the closet and thinking how minimal of a set up I've got and how it so relates to my life right now.

I am a lost lost lady at the present, I'm in my second serious relationship of my adult life and I'm at a cross roads... do I wait the next three school years for him to finish up with his career or do I move on with my life and go back to school? Do I just glide with it? I'm all about instant knowledge, that's why I like the internet so much, I want to know what my future is with my boy, so I can plan out the rest of my life.

But, that's kind of a shit way to look at my life too. I'm a woman with some serious dreams and right now, I don't have the money to move out to Arizona, Texas or California but he's also holding me back in the sense that if we are going to be together through college, I'm likely not going to get the chance to see those places until he's done, or see a diploma myself because I refuse to go back to the U.

Or should I suck it up, take a bunch of classes with teachers and classmates I detest and who are 3 years younger than me, and get my diploma, be with my boyfriend along the same timeline as his grad. date and live happily ever after...

Life's too hard, let's look at fashion! (aka check out the sites I frequent... thesartorialist, childhood flames, fashionista.com and style.com)


and one more thing, it's raining and he should be here with me. I hate myself and my dependence on my significant other to feel just right. fawk. that's all.